I Give Up
by mysticleopard
Summary: He can't take it anymore. No one cares for him. Who would save him? Warning: Themes of depression/ Suicide
1. Chapter 1

**Hi **

**So this was an idea that had been playing around in my head for a while, but I never thought I would/could actually write. I didn't think that writing a depression style like this would be my thing, but it has happened somehow. It does sound like this chapter could remain a one-shot, but it will have continuing chapters, your choice whether you would want to read on or leave it at the one chapter. Set probably post season 4 time if it had to be anywhere, though Arthur and Gwen are not in a relationship/ married. Reason why is below.**

**This will eventually turn into Merthur, but it is going to take a good load of chapters to get that far, so for those who dislike Merthur feel free to read up to when Merthur starts coming into play. (I have many chapters roughly written and it looks like Merthur starts to make appearances in chapter 8). I may consider doing a separate nonslash story continue, see how I feel.**

**Whether you choose to continue to slash or not this story will contain strong Merthur bromance. Can't help that :P**

**In summary, however much you decide to read, hope you like it.**

****Extra note (not relavent to this story) : For those waiting for my other story (the Oracle) to update, it isn't being ignored, I'm just having a small block with it's editing. It'll return soon.  
****

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin**

**Warning: Themes of depression/ suicide**

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I should be happy. He's actually done it. He's finally lifted the ban on magic. Those with magic are free. I should be celebrating. But I can't. The freedom of magic only applies to those who in his mind practice good magic. I'm not one of them. I'm the traitor, the liar, the back stabber. The banished warlock with the threat of death over their head should they try to return. This lift on the ban doesn't apply to me. Magic may be free but I am not.

I know that I am being slightly selfish in not being completely happy for others with magic, but do I not have the right to be? I protected him, I protected all of them, I risked my life over and over again to make sure that he survived, to give Albion the chance to be created. Does that not give me the right to enjoy the rewards? Apparently not. My destiny was to help the Once and Future King create Albion, and it seems that he will do so, but he doesn't need me anymore. I've done my job but I will gain nothing from it.

I have no one. I'm alone. I can't talk to anyone. Who would want me anyway? I've done nothing but lie to everyone I care about from the day I've met them. Lied to him for 4 years. No wonder he hates me now. I can't blame him. I would probably hate me too. I had Gaius, but I can't talk to him anymore. I haven't spoken to him since I was banished six months ago. I can't go back to my mother, she's safer if I don't go to her. They are all probably safer without me I suppose. I just bring trouble and pain.

I'm nothing. A freak even amongst those with magic. A bastard child who doesn't deserve happiness. All I've done is cause trouble. Led to the deaths of so many innocent people. Caused Morgana to turn against Camelot, to hate us all. Would thing's have been different if she hadn't changed? No. Probably not. Her actions did not stop my lying, did not stop me spending everyday using magic.

I have nowhere to go. I have wandered around for six months, hoping for something. What, I don't know. Maybe the small hope that he changes his mind? That he forgives me? Huh. Why would that happen? He's had one too many personal attacks and betrayals related to magic to forgive me. I've watched and tried to help him when each of these betrayals happens, but knowing each time that I'm doing the exact same as them. Hiding the truth about myself. But I would never hurt him. I would never hurt any of them.

I never wanted this. I never asked for it. I didn't want to live a lie. I didn't ask to be born with magic. To be given this destiny. But I went with it, in the hopes that I could find something that made it all worth it. And I did, for a time, in Camelot. With him. But that was short lived. Now there's nothing.

I give up. I have no reason to live on this godforsaken earth anymore. Magic is free, Camelot is prospering. I can't take it anymore. The hope I have had all my life that I might one day be free is shattered. I can never seem to be happy for long. Every time I do find something it is snatched away from me. Will, Freya, my father, Lancelot ... and now everything I had in Camelot. No one needs me anymore, no one will miss me, no one will even notice I'm gone. Emrys has done his job and now he will vanish.

I look at Camelot in the distance. The place that I once called home. The place where I thought I might finally belong. I then stare down at the knife in my hand. Three days since magic became free. Six months since I was banished. My whole life spent in a mix of fear and hope. And it has all come down to this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Apologies for the long absence. Time flies :) **

**Be aware of the time change between this chapter and the previous. It should be obvious during reading that this is prior to the previous chapter and is in a different POV. I didn't mention this before but POV will change at various points through the story. It will mainly be in Arthur or Merlins POV but sometimes others.  
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Hope. Hope is all I am feeling now. I lifted the ban on magic yesterday, and he still hasn't returned yet. I know I'm probably being impatient, I have no idea where he has been these past six months. I don't even know if he'll have heard about it. Word is travelling fast around Camelot and nearby Kingdoms but what if he is not near anyone to hear it? If he hasn't returned by tonight I will start a search for him tomorrow.

He is one of the main reasons I have revoked the ban after all. Everything I said during the speech about how magic can be used to help, about how it has saved many of our lives already, and how it can be used for good. Those words were about him. I'm sure there are others who have used it for good, and now they will have that chance, but he is the one I know, the one I have messed up with, the one I want to return.

Why did I take my father's teachings so seriously? I knew he could become blinded by hatred when it came to magic and it seems I have inherited that trait too. I have seen magic used for dark purposes, suffered betrayals, but he never did that. He protected me, he was always willing to sacrifice his life for me. Forever loyal and there for me when I needed him. He kept his true self hidden and lived in a Kingdom that would have him executed to keep me alive and keep that same Kingdom going. I let my emotions get the better of me. I allowed anger to override logic and sense. He couldn't be evil, even if he hid his magic he still showed that he was caring and willing to stand up for what is right.

I need him back. He is the closest friend I have ever had. One of the few people who would be brutally honest with me when I asked for advice, and would never try to be friends with me just because I was ruler. When he returned, I wanted him to take the place as Court Sorcerer, become a Lord as he rightly deserved.

The next day he hadn't returned, so I sent a search party consisting of Gwaine, Percival, Elyan and Leon. Since they were friends with Merlin I hoped that they could convince him to return if they found him and he was still scared of me. I hated how bad that sounded. Merlin scared of me.

I wanted to go with them, but I was unable to. I had to run the kingdom and get things sorted out with this newly changed law. It was hard to concentrate when thoughts about Merlin kept returning into my head constantly. I prayed for positive news when the Knights returned. That they would have any clue as where the dark haired warlock had gone. Even the hope that they had brought him back with them. If they had found out nothing I was riding with them tomorrow on a new search. I was going to make sure of that. Nothing would stop me.

When they had returned, they found Gwen, Gaius and I sat together waiting. They had no news.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello :D Sorry it took so long I really am terrible with updates. I could pretend and say it's becuase I like to keep you in suspense but that wouldn't really be true,I'm just bad.**

**Just want to say a big thank you to all of those who like the story so far. Never thought it would happen**

**So, enjoy :)**

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When I woke up and got ready the next morning I couldn't shake off a bad feeling that was in the pit of my stomach. I had no idea where it had come from and why but it worried me a little. If it had anything to do with the days search then did it mean that it had something to do with Merlin? Was he in trouble? Nah he couldn't be. He can look after himself, I'm sure it's nothing.

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A little later that morning we ride into the woods. The bad feeling that I have is still there, and if anything has gotten worse. I feel uneasy now, like something is going to happen if I don't hurry up. The others don't understand. They tell me it's just nothing, but I really don't think it is.

We round a corner and see a gap in the trees. There, sitting in a clearing next to the cliff edge is a person, a hooded figure. In their hand is a knife, which they are hovering over their wrist. We stop at once, realising that this person needs help, we can't just pass by when they could be about to kill themselves. Could this be the bad feeling I was having earlier?

"We need to approach this carefully. We do not know the full situation and this may not be as it first appears." I whisper quietly to the others.

"What it looks like is a man about to kill them self Arthur. I understand caution but I don't think this is a trap." Gwaine whispered back as we dismounted our horses.

"I have a feeling it isn't either. Don't try and sneak up on them, we need to make sure they are aware we are there and we are not a threat." Leon said quietly.

"Agreed." I said.

We carefully approach the figure, who still didn't seem to notice us. It wasn't until we were right in front of them that they finally looked up. The hood still covered their face, so we were unable to tell anything about him. I didn't really know what to say.

"Hi there... what's your name?" I asked. Try to act normal and not as though I'm talking to a depressed potentially suicide person. Oh this isn't going to be easy, I'm terrible with emotions. The man said nothing, and the knife remained by his wrist.

"Is there anything we can help you with, please tells us what is wrong" Percival said, crouching down to the man's level. We copied, crouching down. The man shook his head.

"Listen, we want to help you, whatever is wrong... it can't be worth ending it all can it?" Gwaine said, "Surely there is something out there for you" The man shook his head more violently this time, his grip on the knife handle tightening. It wasn't working. We couldn't help if they wouldn't talk.

"If there's nothing else out there for you now, why not look for something new. There must be something out there for you to find. Start a new life." Elyan said. The wind picked up around us briefly as the man clenched his free hand in anger. It was like... magic.

"You're a sorcerer aren't you?" I said. The man paused, then nodded. "Is it because of magic you are in this situation?" The man nodded again. Finally, progress, even if it is only a little. But why was he like this? The ban on magic was lifted, surely he shouldn't be sad.

"Are you aware the law banning magic has been revoked?" Leon asked. The wind briefly whistled around him again and he nodded. Wait, so he isn't happy about the freedom of magic... but... surely he should be? What?

"Then you do not have to fear anymore, you can live in peace, you are free." As soon as the word free left my mouth the wind picked up again, stronger than before, forcing us to stumble back. It died down again quickly though allowing us to hear the words mumbled quietly from the man's mouth.

"Free... ha... I'll never be free."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello Happy New Year :D**

**I am a terrible person. A very bad uploader for taking so long. Especially when this story has many chapters completed. To make up for it here is three chapters for you :)**

**Those waiting on my other story it will be worked on tonight and there may be another upload on that if I am happy with it. I'm struggling a little with how to word itand I'm adding an extra bit which wasn't planned. **

**Hope it's worth the wait**

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"_Free... ha... I'll never be free." _

That voice... no... it couldn't be. I looked at the others. They had looks of horror on their faces. Slowly I looked back at the man, growing dread in my stomach. Gwaine finally voiced what we were all fearing.

"Mer... Merlin... is that you?" He whispered.

Using magic to hold the knife in place at his wrist he used his now free hand to pull his hood down. Placing his hand back on the knife, we could do nothing but stare. The tears were flowing freely down Merlin's face, the pain, despair, anger and helplessness clear. I was looking at the friend I had banished six months ago. The man I used to feel I had the right to call best friend. The man I had pushed to suicide. I felt sick. Tears started to prick the corner of my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall. The corners of his mouth twitched into a small sad smile.

"Going to watch are you? Watch me kill myself now you know who I am. Or do you want to do the job yourself? I won't struggle, I don't care. I'll die either way. My wish will come true for once."

This seriously cannot be happening, this is just some messed up nightmare. Merlin would never do this.

"Merlin, I'm not going to kill you, I'm not going to hurt you anymore ever again" I said. Merlin looked at me, a small fake laugh leaving his lips before he spoke again.

"So you're going to watch? I'm surprised; I thought you would want to kill me. The traitor. The backstabber. I'd deserve it, I understand why you all hate me, even I hate myself for what I've done. I shouldn't be alive, I-"

"No Merlin!" I shouted, interrupting him. I couldn't take him speaking like this. The self loathing, the worthlessness he was projecting at his own existence. He just looked at me, face now void of any emotion. As though he had just given up.

"Mate, you've got everything wrong. We don't hate you, not at all. Please listen to what we have to say" Gwaine begged. I'd never heard Gwaine sound like this, so desperate, but I couldn't blame him. We all couldn't believe what we were seeing. Merlin turned his attention to Gwaine.

"And I thought I was the liar here" Merlin spoke, shaking his head, before looking at the knife blade.

"He's not lying Merlin. None of us hate you. I've made one hell of a mistake and I'm so sorry Merlin. Please listen to me." He lifted his gaze to meet mine. Then he shook his head.

"And you're a hypocrite. You shout at me for lying and then do it yourself. Not that it matters anyway. I have no wish to live anymore; I have no right to live anymore after what I have done. Lie to me all you want."

"Merlin. We are not lying to you. The revoke on the ban on magic applies to you, you are free, you don't have to fear anymore. Listen to us, you have every right to live. We need you here, I need you." I pleaded. Merlin said nothing, just shook his head again, fresh tears welling up in his eyes again as he squeezed the knife handle.

"Merlin, Arthur lifted the ban because of you, he freed magic because of you. You have a home, come back to it" Leon said. Merlin looked at the floor. The hand never wavered.

We all looked at each other. We had no idea what to do to convince him. He wasn't going to listen to us no matter what we said to him and force may not help as he could attack us. I wanted to get closer to him to make him listen, but I have a feeling he wasn't going to let anyone near unless we were agreeing to kill him. I was definitely not doing that. Unless... hmm, that might work. I hope to god it does because if it doesn't the situation could become ten times worse.

"Fine. You want to die. I'll do it." I said with determination.


	5. Chapter 5

**Short chapter but it makes more sense to separate it from the other ones**

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Had Merlin been in his right mind he might have picked up on the lie, but he wasn't. The Knights, who were a little less good at reading me, cried out and looked with anger and horror.

"Arthur what the hell are you playing at?" Gwaine roared.

"Don't you dare Arthur" Percival warned, whilst the other two gave me death glares. They all looked about ready to beat me up. Merlin said nothing, still looking at the ground. I took this chance to mouth 'Trust me' at the others, holing my hands up slightly. They got the message but still seemed weary, as though they didn't believe me and were ready to jump to Merlin's rescue should I even try anything.

"I'll kill you Merlin, you happy with that?" I asked.

Merlin looked at me and nodded. He almost did seem happy, a sad smile on his face. That just made it worse. He was happy to die. Happy that I was going to kill him. I forced my face not to show any of the emotions I was feeling as I took the few steps towards Merlin, so that I was standing in front of him. Merlin moved onto his knees bowing his head down. I crouched down and held my hand out.

"I'll use your knife, you were going to use it anyway and I'd rather not stain my sword with your blood." That last part was true at least. Merlin wordlessly handed me the knife. I looked at it and was sickened. What would have happened if we'd been even 5 minutes later? This knife would have been the cause of death of my one true friend, he would have died feeling hated and unwanted, alone. This next bit had to happen quickly if it was to succeed. I was partly relying on Merlin still not wanting to hurt me even now. I looked at Merlin. He seemed relaxed, at peace, eyes closed. It was so wrong. Taking a deep breath and praying this would work, I set my plan in motion.


	6. Chapter 6

I threw the knife as far away from us as possible, dropped down and pulled Merlin into a hug. Merlin immediately started struggling in confusion.

"What are you doing?... Let me go!... Let me die!... kill me!" He shouted, struggling with all his might. As long as his magic didn't start coming into the equation I was easily strong enough to keep a hold of Merlin. If it did... then the plan wouldn't work, and more drastic action may have to take place. I held him close and started whispering quickly into his ear, trying to get my point across before he used his magic.

"Merlin I'm so so sorry. I was wrong and I shouldn't have banished you. You have kept me alive and saved Camelot more times than I can count so don't dare ever say you're life is pointless because if it weren't for you many people would be dead and Camelot would be destroyed. But even then Merlin, you're life isn't worthless because there are many people who care about you. You are loyal, kind, selfless, caring and so much more. A much better man than I could ever be. Than many people could ever be. You are the main reason I lifted the ban on magic, you have shown me it is good. I understand why you lied, how else would you survive. You had to keep it a secret. I would have done the exact same. I shouldn't have reacted how I did. Please Merlin, listen to us and come back to Camelot, come back to where you belong, come home. Please, I need you."

I realised Merlin had stop struggling and paused. I was hoping, praying that he had finally listened to what I had said. He was shaking slightly, so I squeezed him gently, still holding him close. Then I pulled back and used my hand to pull his face to look at me in the eyes. He looked so lost and confused.

"Please Merlin, I need you" I repeated quietly.

He stared at me for a couple of seconds. Then he moved suddenly, wrapping his arms around me and tightly squeezing, shoulders shaking as he buried his face into my shoulder and cried hard. I held him tight, pressing my cheek into his hair. I felt the tears I had been holding back the whole time finally escape, but I didn't care.


	7. Chapter 7

**I am aaaaliiiiive.**

**I know I said in my other new story I said I would update in a couple of days but I've had a few distractions. Work, redecorating my room, the olympics (woo Britain :D ). **

**For those that haven't read that though, I am so so sorry for not posting in so long. I am a terrible person. but I hope to go regular again now if that makes up for it. I had writers block and whilst I had chapters roughly written I wasn't too happy with them. It lead to a really long pause in writing.  
**

**This first chapter after my absense might not even be worth the wait :( I intended it as a kind of gap chapter, this time with the Knights having a discussion about it all. But it's just going to look extra terrible now.**

**Ah well, I hope you can try to enjoy it**

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Whilst all this happened, the Knights stayed back, knowing that this was an important moment between Arthur and Merlin. Even though wanted to add their own words of comfort, they held back their personal feelings. There would hopefully be time for that later, back in the safety of Camelot. Most were still processing the fact that Merlin had reached this level of distress, and whilst they may not have been as direct in getting Merlin to this state guilt was still written all over their faces. They may have not been the ones to banish Merlin, but they didn't exactly do much to help the young sorcerer.

Eventually the group decided to leave the two, Merlin looking like he wasn't moving for a while and no-one had any wish to stop him from letting his tears fall. Elyan motioned to the also silently crying Arthur where they were going and Arthur nodded slowly, not wanting to disturb the man in his arms.

Silently returning to the horses, there was an air of tension. No one knew what to say. All consumed in their own thoughts.

Gwaine looked the most distressed of the Knights. The usually jokey man was speechless as he thought about the man who had been his first true friend. About what he had been reduced to. A wave of anger swept through him, channelled at Arthur. Though he know knew Arthur felt very remorseful and wanted to make it up to Merlin, it's was his ( and Uther's) fault Merlin felt abandoned. Alone. Gwaine hadn't spoken to Arthur properly since he banished Merlin. Hell he would have left with Merlin, not wanting to serve Arthur if that was how he would react to someone like Merlin (who was pretty much Arthur's best friend even if he never admitted it) having magic. He knew Merlin didn't have an evil bone in his body, even with the shock of finding out the truth of Merlin's talents. But he also knew Merlin would have refused to let him come. So he stayed. He stayed to protect Arthur. Because despite all that happened he was sure that was what Merlin would have wanted. And now he could only imagine what he could've prevented if he had just gone with Merlin. He could've stopped it getting this bad. He should have stopped it.

Leon, though very upset, was not having the same inner turmoil as Gwaine. Having grown up in Camelot he, like Arthur, had been taught about the evils of magic. Having a lot of attacks by magic only helped to strengthen Uther's resolve on this, making him determined to wipe it all out. And whilst he did believe that magic could be evil, he had always slightly doubted whether all magic could really be so dark, this doubt increasing in strength when the druids had helped in with the cup of life. He couldn't deny he owed his life to magic, but it seemed he owed more to it than he first thought. The discovery of Merlin's magic was the final nail in the coffin that made him see the truth about magic. Merlin was a good man, no one would have been able to act so loyal to Arthur or so kind to everyone if they had such dark intentions. The man did everything for Arthur, more than his duty asked, and helped Leon on occasion too. But he could see this Merlin now, and it didn't match the Merlin he had grown to become friends with, who he admired for standing up to Arthur and helping him become the good King he was now. Leon vowed to change that.

Elyan stared back at the clearing where the man who was his sisters close friend, his friend, remained in the arms of his King. It seemed so stupid now to even doubt Merlin's loyalties, to even consider him as a user of dark magic. Merlin, along with Arthur, had come to help him when he needed it. But he hadn't helped Merlin when it was him in distress. Merlin had always come to perk him up if he was down, or if the situation seemed dire he would be there with a quip and a cheeky insult to Arthur to brighten everyone's spirit. The sorcerer could hide his feelings well when he wanted, concentrating on others happiness instead of his own at times. But now the time had come for all of them to focus on Merlin's feelings, to bring him out of his darkest hour.

Percival was a quiet man, but that was because he preferred to observe and learn about people by watching and listening. It meant he sometimes picked up on things others didn't. At times, he thought he had seen Merlin act a oddly, but put it down to his slightly energetic nature and natural, well weirdness for lack of a better word. He could never have associated it with a man who had grown up hiding so much, who was carrying such a burden on his shoulders. And now he had seen what happened when that burden became too much. When a good spirit broke. It was awful to watch, he couldn't even comprehend how the warlock was feeling. But that didn't matter, Percival decided, what mattered was repairing that damaged soul and making it stronger than ever. And that was what he was going to do.

Gwaine broke the silence that had enveloped them all. Staring at the ground to avoid eye contact, voice laden with sorrow, he quietly said,

"Why?... Why would he?... He really nearly... Why did this have to happen?"

"I just can't believe it" Leon whispered, "Merlin was always happy, I never thought he could become..."

"He's been through a lot, more than we realise, probably a lot more than what Gaius was able to tell us" Percival said softly, "Everyone has their limits, we just found out Merlin's."

There was a pause at those words as the reality really sunk in. Gwaine suddenly looked up.

"But surely he could have worked out that he was forgiven when the ban was revoked? Why didn't he come back?" He asked distressed. Another pause. Then Elyan finally spoke, looking grave but thoughtful.

"Think of it from Merlin's point of view. He thinks Arthur hates him and that he is evil in Arthur's eyes. The ban gets lifted for the practice of good magic. He won't have seen that the freedom of magic applies to him because he thinks Arthur hates him still because of the betrayal, and still classes him as an evil sorcerer."

"Damn it, so instead of helping Merlin all we did was make him more depressed to the point of… of that. Why didn't we think of this sooner?" Leon said, balling up his fists in anger. Gwaine growled, punching a nearby tree in frustration.

"This is stupid. We were trying to help." Gwaine said loudly.

"Keep your voice down" Elyan said, glancing back to where Arthur and Merlin were, "And we did help, this was probably one of the only ways to get Merlin's attention to bring him back to Camelot. If we hadn't done this who knows if we'd have been able to find him. He could probably hide very well if he really wanted to. And he'd have no reason to show himself to us if he thought we were going to kill him and he wasn't in this state."

"We did what we could. We can't change the past now. We just have to be thankful that we got to him in time, and help him in any we way we can. He deserves it after what he's done for us and Camelot." Percival said, also glancing towards the pair.

"Agreed. But I'm not helping him just because of what he's done, but because he is my friend, and I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for him." Gwaine said. All of them nodded, many owing a lot to the kind hearted sorcerer who had been dealt such a difficult life.


End file.
